the truth is my best friend right now.
i had no idea how much i loved truth until this year...until i'd been lied to...until i realized the lies i was living under. until i realized i was a liar.
i'm just going to be gut-level honest right now. everyone has ways they deal with insecurity or fear. some people shy away and become complacent....some people kill themselves over-achieving. some people get louder in a group...some shy away in silence. for me...i dealt with my insecurity by always knowing the right people...always having the right friends...always getting into the green rooms or the coveted circles.
i went to passion this past week under the premise that christy nockles had a pass for me...which of course, was an all-access pass. when i got to atlanta, christy's phone had gone dead, and i had no way of getting in touch with her to get my pass. a friend miraculously had a few extra passes, getting me and a couple others through the door, but of course, there i was with the march of the college-age penguins. i was up in the nose-bleed section...having to wait in line like everyone else for a seat...and for lunch...for the toilet...for coffee. my 'status' was different than i was used to...because of course, i just get used to being back stage at concerts and conferences. and i have to admit...
i wasn't ok with it.
something in me all day felt...inferior. something in me struggled for significance....because my status...my identity had been taken away. all day long i would go into the bathroom and cry out to god...'WHAT IS THIS IN ME??? WHY IN THE WORLD AM I STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW JUST TO BE ONE OF THE CROWD???? LORD, PLEASE TAKE THIS OUT OF ME!!!!' i laid in bed that night and pleaded with god to get that root out of me...the root that finds my security in ANYTHING other than the fact that i am...and always will be.....loved by the god of the universe.
it's hard to ask yourself where your security comes from. it's hard to be honest with yourself sometimes. when i ask god to reveal to my heart what makes me tick...what makes me hold my head up high and feel confident in a crowd....sometimes i don't like what i see. sometimes it's because i finally lost 5 pounds and look good in my skinny jeans...sometimes it's because my hair looks good that day. sometimes it's because i have an all-access pass around my neck. sometimes it's because people think i'm cool because of the people i know....
but it's all sinking sand. at any moment....every one of those things can change. at any moment...my status..my looks...my job...my talents...my friends can change. if i'm getting my identity from anything other than the love of god....that he's called me and loved me and made me his own.....
my life will be a roller coaster.
"i waited patiently for the lord; and he inclined to me, and heard my cry.
he also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay,
and set my feet upon a rock,
and established my steps.'
psalm 40: 1-2
what foundation are you on today?
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4 comments:
I have felt that way far to often. Thanks for sharing!
Christa... you make me sad to see you feeling the way you felt... Thanks for sharing your most intimate thoughts... For the first time... I think you had hit the nail! You are absolutely right... Welcome to the regular status that we all have to go through.... I hope your God have answered your plead. I have felt how you were feeling most of my time. Thanks so much for sharing.
You know what? I find myself trying so hard to get in with the "cool crowd" because I think that somehow it'll make me feel better about myself, make me feel more important. And of course, God doesn't let it happen, because He knows that I'll immediately let it go to my head. I know that I have to be completely satisfied where He has me, not always striving to reach the next level. Thanks for posting this.
Christa - I just read this. wow. Then I read it to Geoff. He said God just gave you an access pass to your heart that day. Isn't He amazing?? Thanks for writing this. Truth is good.
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