i have no idea......

i'm learning to become more and more comfortable with that phrase.

when i started making this album almost two years ago, i thought i knew exactly what was going to happen. i thought i'd make it...get signed...get to touring....and be on the road opening for sheryl crow by now. the year went slowly....i kept touring with michael w....and problem after problem occurred with the album. we'd record in and out of our crazy tour schedule...then my producers moved and built a studio...then had a baby...then i moved to new york...then london.....then we had the album mixed and it didn't work....then we had it remixed......

sigh. just reliving it makes me tired. (:

i thought i knew exactly how everything was going to go down. i thought i knew.........

i'm learning to hold onto things loosly. very loosely. my flight got canceled today into nashville...and during my 5 hour wait...i decided to look up a verse.

proverbs 13:12 says, 'hope deferred makes the heart sick.....'

it's amazing what can happen when you lose your hope. i think i had it in my head how everything was going to look...and held onto it so tightly...that when it didn't end up looking like that....my hope was deferred, and my heart got sick.

for the last year, i've sat in the waiting room....wondering if anything was ever going to happen. i was so full of zeal and faith at the beginning of the project....and the longer time went on, because my hope was in the outcome and not in the journey (and the giver of the journey), the more my heart retreated into the safety of numbness. it got easier and easier not to expect anything...because it was less painful than being disappointed.

but at the end of the day....what am i hoping for? i'm blessed with an album that i'm extremely proud of. i'm blessed with getting to do what i love...and that's to write about my life....to make others think about theirs.

so thank you....all of you....for helping me start this journey. thank you for believing in me...for helping me....for listening to me. thanks for your encouragement and your kind words.

my heart's not sick anymore...because i've finally surrendered the outcome to wherever the road needs to end. because i know it's going to end...in exactly the right place....

xx, christa